Happiness is a choice. Although I knew that, time and time again I declined the invitation to happiness. Over the past few weeks my attitude towards life has changed drastically, seemingly overnight. But it wasn’t overnight, it was a long hard struggle. Every day has been filled with questions surrounding money, my job and career aspirations. The fight between doing something that I love and paying the bills is real! But I am happy. It seems as though I shouldn’t be but I am. In the last two months it has become very clear that I need to find a second job and/or another source of income, I have truly felt a ticking time bomb hanging over me waiting for my life to shatter and for everything to explode. I was afraid. Afraid of what? What will happen if I don’t find another job? I can’t pay my rent? Okay. Pay it late, borrow money, get a loan, even get evicted. While nothing I listed is clearly ideal, it’s actually quite terrible, does that mean my life is over? No, it means I pick myself up and keep going from there. I let this fear have complete control over my life, my happiness and my productivity. It held everything captive. My mind was constantly racing, I couldn’t make out any clear or concise thoughts. I was wallowing in self-pity letting myself sink into a dark hole. But for what? I began to ask myself “Why am I putting myself through this?” and “For what?” I was uncomfortable with the idea of being happy. I felt like I didn’t have the right to be. Why should I be? I’m broke, in terrible debt and have nothing to show for all the time and energy spent trying to make my dreams become a reality. I think of this a lot like the way I think of love. You have to be vulnerable to let yourself fall in love and the same goes for allowing yourself happiness. It is something worth fighting for and it is worth every bit of discomfort and pain.
I am on MY journey through life. That in itself is something that can fill me with the greatest happiness if I choose to let it. I strive to live life authentically, not to care about what others think but to know that I am living my truth. I am learning to speak my mind more, to make life choices with intention, to be aware of the impacts of my actions and to live this truth OUT LOUD. Just as I strive everyday to be a better person and make conscious choices I can choose to wake up and be happy. Happiness is something we all want and yet we struggle with, it’s so easy yet so complicated. But once you make the choice you will wonder why you didn’t do this much sooner. It will change the way you walk through life, it will change the way you live it. It has lifted an incredible weight off my shoulders. My thoughts are clear and the creative juices are flowing. My passions are ALIVE. I’m on a wonderful high that is so freeing, so liberating, so simply joyful! I know now that this doesn’t have to be a temporary feeling, it can be a daily commitment. Why was I ever afraid of this? I am thankful I finally gave myself the right to be happy. No matter what your circumstances are, let the way you experience your journey be defined and chosen by you. Do not let fear take over. Allow yourself the divine right to happiness.