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Finding Clarity in the Midst of Chaos

Finding Clarity in the Midst of Chaos

This past month has not been the easiest for me. It has left me doubting almost every decision I have been making lately. Did I quit my job to soon? Did I overreach with my cost of rent? How am I going to survive the next month? Okay, maybe I can make it another month but what happens after that? So many things have happened unexpectedly and if you told me a year ago I would be in the position I am in now I would have never believed it. But more than that I would be a hell of a lot more thankful than I am in this moment. I guess the stresses of everyday life have really gotten to me and I’ve forgotten where I started and where I came from. I am so consumed by this new life that I forgot how much I hated the old one, and that I really should be thankful that I am facing the kind of problems I am. I quit a job that pays the bills because I wanted to pursue a job that would make me happy, a job that was more than a job, something that was life fulfilling. I don’t think I ever really had a “dream job” but always thought in terms of a “dream life”. That can be good and bad. When I had quit my job my plan for surviving and still being able to pay the rent was pretty vague. I knew how much I had in savings, how long it would last and just hoped that by the time those savings were gone I would have everything figured out. Well, I am nearing that point and I have yet to figure anything out. A part of me is okay with that. I believe in creating my own life and opportunities. It is giving me an accountability I don’t think I’ve had before. But then the other part of me is filling my mind with constant chatter asking; “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?! GET IT TOGETHER!” I don’t have it together. Not in the slightest. There is one difference though, I am not naive to my own weaknesses. I don’t think I’m workaholic or that my personality will change overnight. I know that I like to plan more than I like to do, I’m an expert at keeping a detailed calendar and to-do list without it really making a difference, I’m good at sending the first email but terrible with the reply, my attention span is about 30 seconds so I have about 50 unfinished projects laying around and I don’t keep a disciplined schedule. It’s quite a surprise I’ve gotten this far at all. But maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but then maybe I should.

There was a time 9 months ago where I was sitting on a hillside overlooking mountains, and I decided to make a big change in my life. To start living with purpose and take hold of the opportunities I desired. Everything was so clear then. I didn’t need a detailed plan, I didn’t need to sort anything out before I started, I just knew from that moment on that my life would be different. It wasn’t a struggle to change. It was easy, something that simply happened. I am realizing that this time is different, it is absolutely difficult and there are certainly growing pains. I’m pushing myself farther than I ever have, the weight is all on me and right now I am afraid that I am being crushed. I have no one to catch me if I fail, no back up plan. It’s a self driven process. I wish I had a group of people to share ideas with and to inspire one another but I just haven’t found those like-minded people yet. It is in the middle of this chaos that I know I have to trust myself, I have to go further within and discover that place I didn’t know existed. The passion is easy for me. Channeling it in the most productive way is what is difficult. I don’t know where to go or what to do so I feel like I’m just running in circles with nothing to show.

I keep telling myself that as frustrated as I am right now and how desperately I want the chattering in my mind to stop it is simply a phase I have to break through. A phase that will end. A stop on my journey through life. I do not have to know what the next year, month or even week holds. I just have to trust that I will get there, I will be wherever it is that I am supposed to be. I cannot let the unpredictable stop me from taking chances. Uncertainty is a good thing. I am in the middle of chaos and it is exactly where I need to be. I long for the clarity I had that day looking over the mountains. And I know that clarity will come. I trust it will come. I remind myself to keep working and keep striving even when I don’t know exactly where it is I am going.

  • Grabbety Covens
    Posted at 02:41h, 15 September Reply

    I understand completely…in the midst of it myself! Stay strong! Stay focused on what clams you; and never, never, never, never quit…

    • Celina Rodriguez
      Posted at 05:21h, 15 September Reply

      Thank you! Appreciate the support, we all need it!

  • Luz Dominguez
    Posted at 22:32h, 16 October Reply

    Celina !!! You’re such an inspiration reading your blog now is helping me right now thank you so much

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