This past month has not been the easiest for me. It has left me doubting almost every decision I have been making lately. Did I quit my job to soon? Did I overreach with my cost of rent? How am I going to survive the next month? Okay, maybe I can make it another month but what happens after that? So many things have happened unexpectedly and if you told me a year ago I would be in the position I am in now I would have never believed it. But more than that I would be a hell of a lot more thankful than I am in this moment. I guess the stresses of everyday life have really gotten to me and I’ve forgotten where I started and where I came from. I am so consumed by this new life that I forgot how much I hated the old one, and that I really should be thankful that I am facing the kind of problems I am. I quit a job that pays the bills because I wanted to pursue a job that would make me happy, a job that was more than a job, something that was life fulfilling. I don’t think I ever really had a “dream job” but always thought in terms of a “dream life”. That can be good and bad. When I had quit my job my plan for surviving and still being able to pay the rent was pretty vague. I knew how much I had in savings, how long it would last and just hoped that by the time those savings were gone I would have everything figured out. Well, I am nearing that point and I have yet to figure anything out. A part of me is okay with that. I believe in creating my own life and opportunities. It is giving me an accountability I don’t think I’ve had before. But then the other part of me is filling my mind with constant chatter asking; “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?! GET IT TOGETHER!” I don’t have it together. Not in the slightest. There is one difference though, I am not naive to my own weaknesses. I don’t think I’m workaholic or that my personality will change overnight. I know that I like to plan more than I like to do, I’m an expert at keeping a detailed calendar and to-do list without it really making a difference, I’m good at sending the first email but terrible with the reply, my attention span is about 30 seconds so I have about 50 unfinished projects laying around and I don’t keep a disciplined schedule. It’s quite a surprise I’ve gotten this far at all. But maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but then maybe I should.
There was a time 9 months ago where I was sitting on a hillside overlooking mountains, and I decided to make a big change in my life. To start living with purpose and take hold of the opportunities I desired. Everything was so clear then. I didn’t need a detailed plan, I didn’t need to sort anything out before I started, I just knew from that moment on that my life would be different. It wasn’t a struggle to change. It was easy, something that simply happened. I am realizing that this time is different, it is absolutely difficult and there are certainly growing pains. I’m pushing myself farther than I ever have, the weight is all on me and right now I am afraid that I am being crushed. I have no one to catch me if I fail, no back up plan. It’s a self driven process. I wish I had a group of people to share ideas with and to inspire one another but I just haven’t found those like-minded people yet. It is in the middle of this chaos that I know I have to trust myself, I have to go further within and discover that place I didn’t know existed. The passion is easy for me. Channeling it in the most productive way is what is difficult. I don’t know where to go or what to do so I feel like I’m just running in circles with nothing to show.
I keep telling myself that as frustrated as I am right now and how desperately I want the chattering in my mind to stop it is simply a phase I have to break through. A phase that will end. A stop on my journey through life. I do not have to know what the next year, month or even week holds. I just have to trust that I will get there, I will be wherever it is that I am supposed to be. I cannot let the unpredictable stop me from taking chances. Uncertainty is a good thing. I am in the middle of chaos and it is exactly where I need to be. I long for the clarity I had that day looking over the mountains. And I know that clarity will come. I trust it will come. I remind myself to keep working and keep striving even when I don’t know exactly where it is I am going.